A long time ago, back when I was still single, I complained – as those in the middle of unrequited love tend to do – to some friends in a group chat.
It was one of those situations where I was sick of hearing (or reading myself, as it were) talking about this unrequited love, he knew my friends had to tease me about it, too. It got to the point where I stopped myself from talking about this person with my therapist for fear that he is sick about it, even though I pay him to listen to my problems.
“I’m sorry to bring this up again, but…” was the refrain in iMessage and in real life.
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My friends, being the angels that they are, did not complain about my “circling back” on this matter or trying to stop the reasons put into this relationship. At the same time, they didn’t really know how to help me.
Until one day, one of my colleagues at the time made a suggestion that I will never forget.
“People,” he said in the text, “Just make a list of all the ways they breastfeed. It really helps.”
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It was so simple, yet it had never crossed my mind before. I suggest this as something to add to your “get over someone who doesn’t deserve grief” tool belt, along with blocking social media and distracting yourself with movies or TV.
Writing down a list of someone’s mistakes can be overwhelming less. And that’s because – but when the heart is broken, a simple exercise that makes one play a little without reaching out to someone who deserves to say the least is a win. If I want to send a message to someone about how much you suck, the way they hurt me—me! Incredibly unique, hot, gainfully employed person — do I text her?
No. No. That can be embarrassing and increase heartache. Instead, I furiously write it down in my notes app or, better yet, myself text my number.
Writing down a list of your ex’s mistakes is another iteration of that. You let your anger out into bullet points, all about how, in fact, this person’s breath stinks, and they don’t change their sheets often enough, and they have bad taste in music. By writing it down, you’re not shutting down your emotions, but you’re also not shutting down the other person. You still care about this person, but the important thing is that you don’t recognize them.
There is evidence of that A journal helps manage stress and anxiety. Just the act of getting your feelings out of your head helps – it’s one of the reasons why talk therapy helps so many. They become visible, more real. In addition, handwriting it memorizes what you write more than typing. While the notes app is my go-to way to get lists — to-do lists, grocery lists — “error lists” are fun to write in a journal. Or both! Go nuts!
Moreover, there is nothing wrong with doing it self development without fear. It’s small. It’s stupid, and it probably won’t “cure” you of your suffering overnight. But if nothing else, it’s a step in the right direction: realizing that this person doesn’t deserve your love. So get your favorite pen and your Muji notebook and get writing.
This article was originally published in 2020 and was updated in 2026.
